Donating a Kidney to my Father

In 2012, I donated a kidney to the best man on the planet, my father. Below is the physical process and mental journey I followed, as chronicled in social media posts my wife (fiance at the time) and I shared.

September 28

After going through months of testing at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, I have finally been approved to donate a kidney to my father. The transplant surgery will be November 6. I feel so lucky that I can help my Dad. Thank you to all my family and friends that have been so supportive through this emotional time, especially the love of my life, Jamie Lee, who has been there for me every step of the way.

October 12

The Decision to Donate:

This is not something I planned on writing about. This is not an experience I thought I would be sharing in great detail. But, after a surge of inspirational notes, phone calls and the standing ovation at my last talk of the year at Joe Polish’s annual event, I realized I would be cheating my father, our tribe and the scores of other people that have come forward with support and have also urged me to talk more about the decision to donate a kidney to my father next month. 

First, although I announced this decision very recently, the process has actually been going on for almost two years. I’ve kept it hidden, even from most of my closest friends and family. Over the next few weeks, I‘ll try to share why I did this and also answer some of the questions I’ve been asked, like:

• How did this all happen?

• What does this mean for you and your health?

• What is the process?

• Do you have a good relationship with your Dad?

• Did your Dad ask you for a kidney?

• How will this affect your business?

• What does your family think?

• What are your biggest fears about doing this? How did you handle them?

• How are you preparing for the transplant surgery?

• What has been the hardest part of all this?

And more…

There’s a fine line between fear and courage, and I’m definitely not the guy to tell you where one starts and the other ends because I found myself crossing over into both of these emotions for a long time.

However, I can honestly say that with faith, close relationships, and one undeniable fact, I found the strength and conviction to move forward. The one undeniable fact was this:

A lot of my close friends and family lost their own fathers too early in life and they had to sit there helplessly wishing there was something they could do to help, but could not. But not me, I had been given a great gift. I COULD HELP. I could provide the solution needed to help cure my Dad. How lucky was I….

Next, I’ll share how this whole journey began….

October 15

Strep throat can do what!?!?

This all started back in the early 1940s when my Dad was a young boy and suffered a few bad cases of strep throat. Antibiotics were not well known back then and my grandmother, an Irish immigrant, did her best to cure my Dad with old Irish remedies like dry toast and orange juice (my grandfather had recently died of complications from fighting in WWI).

When strep throat goes without antibiotics it can cause people to develop a kidney condition later on in life. Who the hell would ever of thought strep throat could affect your kidneys?! Not me. Neither did my father until he was diagnosed with this rare condition in the early 1990s.  However, being in good health (my pops still did his Army calisthenics almost every morning), doctors believed the condition could be controlled with medication. And it was, until April of 2010.

In April of 2010, almost out of nowhere, my father took a sudden turn for the worse and was admitted into the hospital with close to complete renal (kidney) failure. I was shocked. My Dad was not your typical guy in his 70s. He was built like a vibrant little leprechaun and people always guessed him to be younger than his age. He was extremely active, surfing with his grandkids in the summer and playing Irish music in the local pubs, which was one of his biggest passions and talents. But now, in front of me lay a man I did not recognize and if I was being honest with myself, it didn’t appear he would have long to live. As my mother and I drilled the doctors with questions, they explained the severity of the situation and I began to have hot flashes going through my chest.

“The best option we can hope for is for him to be able to begin dialysis; however, this can be a grueling process and will change his quality of life forever,” the doctor said. 

Not knowing anything about the process, I quickly challenged the doctor, “What about a kidney transplant?”

“We’re a long ways from that… also, please remember your father is in his 70s now and….”

I cut the doctor off.

“He has strong family history of living into their 90s and higher, what about a kidney transplant?”

Next came the response that kept me up half the night……

October 21

Did I just say that!?

“If your father is healthy enough to pass the transplant recipient testing, he can be added to a donor list. However, making the donor list gives no guarantees and it can take years to find a match.”

The doctor was actually a really nice man but there was no easy way to deliver all this information (I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes giving painful truths to people every day). He ended the conversation politely, having to move on to another patient, by simply stating “Let’s work to get your Dad back to a stable health and look forward from there.”

After the doctor left, my parents and I sat there in silence for a few minutes. My mind was racing and I finally spoke up. “He didn’t mention anything about a living kidney donor. I could donate. I’m sure I’d be a match.”

Immediately, my parents went on the defense (which I expected).

“Now hold on,” My mom said, putting her hand up. “We are getting way ahead of ourselves.”                                                              

 And my father  (the stubborn Irish work horse) suddenly regained a burst of strength.

“Absolutely not! Jimmy, forget it. Out of the question.”

He continued on saying something about having had a good life and he was not going to jeopardize my future.

Driving home I was gripping the steering wheel with full force and letting out some deep breaths.

• Would my father live?

• Did I really just offer him a kidney?

• What would that mean for me?

• Would that cut my life short?

• Would it affect my health forever?

• Could I still surf?

• Could I still have children?

• Would a kidney transplant really help my Dad or was it just a short-term band-aid?

• Maybe I was being too emotional, maybe this situation was out of my hands.

I got home, patted my boxer on the head, opened my laptop and Googled “kidney transplants.” I sat there and read for hours. The more I read, the more I discovered there was justified hope in all this.

Here’s what I found out…

October 24

The Facts Behind Donating A Kidney Revealed

Sorting through endless information on the Internet, I read until almost 4 a.m. My eyes were burning by the time I went to sleep, but I felt better than I had a few hours ago.

 I discovered that kidney transplants had started back in the 1950s and there was more than 50 years of research to support them.

In a nutshell, with the exception of a short recovery window (which I will explain later), my life was likely to change very, very little, if at all!

I would NOT have to give up surfing.

I would still be able to work out, do yoga, etc.

Donating a kidney would have no effect on me having children.

It would NOT alter my life expectancy. (In fact, I read two different studies showing that kidney donors actually had a longer life expectancy than the average. The main reason being, you had to be at an above average level of health to donate and pass a very intense testing process.)

Also, donating does NOT increase your chances for kidney disease or other disease.

The only potential warning a lot of medical experts made was to try to avoid certain “extreme” contact sports after donating (bungee jumping and football for example were named). With that said, I also read studies that showed very little connection between kidney injuries and contact sports (like football). There were even a few guys playing in the NBA after receiving a kidney transplant and the recipient is more fragile than the donor.

Needless to say, I was comfortable with the possible risk of not becoming a bungee jumping expert or football star. I had already spent enough time on the bench in high school to prove that anyway 😉

Bottom line, medical experts were telling me, “You have two kidneys, you only really need one.” I was good with that.

As far as my father went, his life would improve dramatically as a result of a transplant. He would regain an energy level that most people with kidney issues say they hadn’t felt in years.

Once the new kidney took hold within them (which usually happens right away) reports said people literally wanted to jump out of their hospital bed. Why? Because toxins were finally leaving their body properly!

To give perspective, dialysis gives a person about 15 percent kidney function (which is just enough to keep a person alive). A kidney transplant would give more than 60 percent kidney function, which was higher than what is required to have great health. And to give some troubling perspective, my dad was presently at 9 percent kidney function.

The biggest issue was my father would have to pass the transplant tests and his age could be a factor if they did not see a certain longevity left for him. The testing process would determine that. It would also search every part of his body and make sure he had nothing else potentially wrong with him. If he did, he was out.

Still, I knew there was a chance. And if the medical experts tested us and saw this as being a good move for my Dad and relatively safe for me…why not go for it?!

The next step, giving these facts to my Dad and letting him know he was worth it….

October 28

How the hell did you get your Dad to accept your kidney donation?

My father finally got out of the hospital about month later. He was weak and his energy levels were low. Even still, he held off on starting dialysis in hopes that his kidneys would start functioning again. After a few months, the doctor and my mother gave him a clear message, “Go on dialysis or stop living.” He started the following week.

I give my pops a lot of credit for trying to recover without dialysis. The doctors had told him that kidneys were temperamental and sometimes they could just start working again. And they had also told him that once he started dialysis, he would probably be on it for life.

Dialysis is no picnic. I’ve heard some people who don’t understand the process say (in not so many words) “What’s the big deal? Just go on dialysis.” As if dialysis was similar to getting a back massage three times a week. Let me tell you, dialysis is far from a back massage or a day at the spa. It is taxing to the body and to the spirit. You have not only shear exhaustion to contend with, but also you have a tube permanently stuck in your arm and it makes it very hard to travel.

It might sound trivial but the thought of my Dad not going to Ireland again was enough to keep me focused on the potential of a transplant. That, and the fact that dialysis can start to have adverse effects on other parts of the body within a few short years. Dialysis was NOT a permanent fix. The good news is once dialysis started, my dad regained a better level of health and became more motivated about the potential of a transplant. He was not one to complain (and he didn’t), but it was obvious that he could not stand dialysis.

Still, there was the issue of accepting a kidney from me. The medical facts helped ease my father’s conscience, but I think there were two other things that actually helped him gain peace of mind to move forward.

First, my dad and I started spending more time together. I believe the key to any relationship is quality time. We worked through past issues, recalled fun times together and had discussions we had never had before. It was even during this time, sitting on a desolate beach together, that my father and I designed an exercise that my book, “ The Family Board Meeting” uses today as a core pillar to help other parents develop a better relationship with their children.

The second breakthrough came when my mom set up a phone call to my Uncle Bill. Uncle Bill was a highly respected cardiologist and someone to whom my Dad has always been close. My Dad asked him directly, “If you were in my shoes and one of your children offered you a kidney, would you take it?” Without hesitation, Uncle Bill gave his answer of, “Yes, absolutely.”

Knowing Uncle Bill would not bullshit him, especially when it came to medical conditions and his kids, my Dad was ready.

It took several months to get an appointment at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, but it was worth the wait. After scores of tests and follow-ups, the results came back: my father was approved! His vitals showed younger than his years and with a new kidney in place, the future looked longer and brighter.

The choice was now mine. Two more years with my father or possibly 12 years or more?

That was a no brainer for me.

Time to get approved and prepare to donate.

Here’s what I did to get prepared…

October 31

The Ups and Downs of Getting Approved to Donate A Kidney

Mayo Clinic is the best in the world, so it can take months to get things rolling as a donor candidate. I finally started the first rounds of testing in mid-June. Along with an in-depth interview, the hospital does a full physical to grade your overall health and then performs a special blood test in which they mix my father’s blood and mine to see if we are compatible.

Some people’s bloods will have natural antibodies against one another and if this is the case, donation would be out of the question. If I passed these tests, there would be one more round of in-depth testing. From what I had been told, the blood mix test was a very big step in getting approved.

The head nurse was really nice and when I finished up, she said, “Ok, we’ll have the results of the physical and blood test within the week. I’ll call you with the results. Don’t worry!”

Easy to say but not easy to do….

I left a few days later to head down to Nosara, Costa Rica, a favorite spot of mine to spend a week at the Surf Simply Resort, a great surf camp that I’d been wanting to try out. It was my hope that I would get the test results at the very beginning of the trip and be able to “surf off the news,” no matter what it was.

The resort was a lot of fun, good surf with really nice people. Unfortunately, by mid-week, I still hadn’t heard anything and I was starting to ask myself some big questions,

“What happened? Did the blood mix fail? Is there something wrong with my health?”

Finally, getting back from a sunrise surf one morning, there was a message on my phone from Mayo Clinic. I called them back right away with my heart pounding. The nurse quickly delivered the news, “All looks great, would you like to proceed with the final round of testing?”

I called my fiancé and parents right away and I was in a happy daze for rest of the trip. Every wave I caught was more fun than the next. Surfing had been a huge therapy for me through all of this and I am sure it will play a big role in my recovery.

I returned home ready to finish the approval process. By this time, I had mentally arrived with my decision and was saying to myself, “Alright, let’s just do this.”

My sister Carolyn kept calling and leaving messages asking me for my main contact at the Mayo Clinic so that she could try to get approved as well. I conveniently ignored the messages and refused to give her the information. I asked my parents to do the same. Carolyn had six children and a husband in the military that was often deployed overseas. I was extremely grateful for her courageous act of support but there was no way I could let her (or anyone else) do this. I would be taking this one for the team.

Like before, the final tests were delayed and stretched out until the end of the summer. It was six full days of testing and they were a lot more in depth than the first round. For someone like me, who is VERY uncomfortable with needles, I looked forward to it being over. I would have to look away every time I was pricked or injected with something. Finally one of the nurses asked me, “You really don’t like needles, huh?”

I calmly replied, ”No, not really, I’d prefer a punch to the face.”

She laughed hysterically.

Amazingly, comments like that and they didn’t fail me in my mental evaluation. 😉

I thought I would have to wait a week for my results, but, to my surprise, I got called into a final appointment on my last day. It was with the head doctor of the transplant team.

She gave me the news, “I’ve already had the chance to go through everything and all I can say is keep surfing and doing yoga and whatever else you’re doing because the test came back great and you are a prime donor, congratulations. We’ll make it official next Tuesday but if you want to give the news to your Dad and family, go ahead.”

I walked out of the hospital and immediately called my fiancé Jamie, my best friend and supporter through this. She knew it was supposed to take a week to get my results but she answered the phone with almost a sixth sense saying “Hey Sweetheart! Did they already give you an answer?”

At that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks. The whole situation had finally caught up with me. I had been strong up until that point but at that moment, I broke down into tears and could only whisper, “Yep, we did it.”

November 6

Dear Dad,

Today is the day of our kidney transplant surgery and it reminds me of a story about a 6-year old little boy from the Bronx:

Many years ago, a 6-year-old little boy was standing alone in the living room of his tiny apartment staring at his father who was wrapped up in blankets sitting quietly in a rocking chair.

His father was very sick and did not have long to live.

When the dying man saw his son standing there alone in sadness, he called him over to his side at the rocking chair. Speaking in a thick Irish accent, the man explained to his son that he loved him very much but he would be going away soon. He didn’t want to and he would miss the little boy very much but there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

The father then asked the little boy to promise him that once he was gone, he would take care of his mother and help watch over the rest of the family. Without hesitation, the little boy promised that he would.

This would be the little boy’s final conversation with his father.

Of course he was sad after his father’s death, however, he soldiered on and always kept the promise he made that day.

(And he NEVER used the excuse “I didn’t have a father”)

The little boy was there for his mother her entire life and as a direct result, she lived a full life well into her 90s.

He helped watch over his nieces and nephews after his only brother and only sister both died unexpectedly at young ages.

And once he grew up and had a family of his own, the little boy carried his promise forward into their lives as well…

Dad, as you know, you were the little boy in this story and this is a memory that you’ve shared with me only once. Still, it is something I have never forgotten.

You stood alone at the age of 6, you made a promise, and (whether you realize it or not) you’ve kept that promise. This defines your character, your strength and your integrity. No doubt your father would be very proud of you.

There is nothing in this world that could have stopped us from standing by you today in your time of need.

You need a kidney? I got your back.

We love you,

Jimmy & family

November 6

All is well! Dad is out of surgery in record time and doing great. The doctor said Jimmy gave a beautiful kidney and it is ALREADY producing urine!!! Both are resting well. Thank you for the prayers and positive thoughts, we feel them all!

November 8

My Dad and I are overwhelmed with the love and support that has poured in over the last few days. Thank you! It has been extremely uplifting.

All is looking great. The kidney started functioning right away and toxin levels have already adjusted down to healthy levels my father has not seen in a long while.

This was definitely a team effort of family and friends so I thank everyone again for their support, especially my beautiful Jamie Lee who was there for me every step of the way, and my mom, who has barely left my Dad’s side for the last four days.

November 13

1 Week Transplant Success Updates:

We did it!!! Jimmy and Grandpa Sheils are beginning to heal at home and doing incredibly well. The kidney has taken and is doing good work. These men are amazing and have kept such a positive and excited attitude through it all. We appreciate all the extra love this past week. I’m so proud and thankful to be a witness to this miracle!

November 21

Two weeks after the transplant surgery and all is good! I’ve been given a clean bill of health with some temporary exercise restrictions. My father is doing great too! The kidney has taken to him like an Irishman to a Guinness 😉 Seriously though, this success has brought incredible peace of mind and I am so grateful.

Thank you again for all your notes and calls, they are priceless. Happy Thanksgiving!